If you found this then that's good. I have some things to share with you and you may not like all of them. Some of the things I will tell you are so that you can continue on. Some of what I will tell you might make you uncomfortable but this is my experience and I own it. I hope if you 're reading this you gain some insight from me otherwise what's the point. Even in the darkest of times I have had a small voice tell me that even this is part of it all.
So... I have tried to pay attention....tried to gleam what I could from the pain and unfairness...tried to keep a smile on my face and believe that it will all work out one day. The first thing I should tell you is that your parents don't always have your best interests at heart. Depending on where 'they' stand in the world affects how they treat you. From what I know very few adults actually distance themselves from the pain and torture of their youth and instead make up punitive punishments that aren't designed to help you grow but rather to keep you under some mysterious lock and key. You are told that it is for your own good when actually the 'rules' are filled with their fear and ignorance.
You aren't being prepared for the best future possible cause your parents are locked up inside. If this doesn't apply to you then good for you.....you are one of the few. For the rest of you I understand how unfair it is that you aren't trusted, liked, believed in, loved, comforted, and assisted in ways that will actually help you to become a better person. Some parents really do try their best and their children forgive them for their short comings. Many parents are on the 'crazy train' and expect you to either keep quiet about it or to get on board.
I made a break. I jumped off the train into the abyss. I had no idea what was before me but I KNEW that what was going on with my parents was not o.k. So I opted out. This break from them...the campaign that followed to stick up for myself was unwavering. I knew who I was and would not believe what my mother said about me.
It hurts that she tried to convince psychiatrists, social workers and anyone else who would listen that I was an out of control teen. They all told her that not only was I not out of control but I had acted out far less considering the circumstances. That totally pissed her off.
When I left her home I went to Lynbrook, Long Island to a foster family. I fell into a deep fever and was sick for three days. I don't know where my soul went but when I finally broke my fever I was clearer in my head and heart than I had been in a long time. Terrified I tried to fit in and get along but despite how nice my foster parents were it was clear that I couldn't function in a 'normal' family dynamic. So I was sent to Far Rockaway, Queens to a group home.
More terror filled me. I was so afraid that I was on hyper-alert. So many different people to get used to and be literally close to. Was I safe here? There was a shift in residences and staff and by the time I settled in I was safe. I had myself.
I filled my life with music and I threw away every letter my mother sent to me unread. I took long walks and sang my heart out with anyone that would play the guitar for me. So much so that I finally learned to play the guitar so I could follow along on my own if I needed to. And I wanted to impress a boy. I made up my mind to always tell the truth because my mother had constantly called me a liar no matter what I said. It became my internal mantra to tell the truth because my word was all I really had in this world.
For the the first time in many years the adults that were in charge of my care were clear, consistent, and safe. For the most part I was thriving. I pushed aside all the pain of my separation from my mother and consumed music. I listened to music, I sang, I played guitar, I played with other musicians, I learned all I could about music. Music became my salve. As long as I could sing and share music I felt somewhat sane.
I learned that no matter where I was, who I was living with, what was going on, as long as I had music I could cope. I also learned that not everyone felt this was o.k. and some people stood in my way of what I loved. That would only last so long. I would not be without music.
The thing that most adults forget or never realize is that children aren't unformed. Hiding the truth from them only sends out stronger psychic vibrations that manifest louder and louder because children are highly sensitive to the truth. If you tell a child a lie, no matter what the reason for it long enough the energy from that lie manifests. What you're actually doing is teaching that child to disregard their fail safe internal danger system. That rarely leads to anything good. So many parents wonder why their teen won't talk to them. You probably stopped talking with them long ago and have been lying and talking at them instead.
All relationships in order to grow require communication. Communication isn't always easy. However that is where the trust builds. Each time you tell a child the truth you build trust cause they feel it. So many parents lie to a child because they feel they're protecting them. Don't protect them in that way. When a child has the clear truth of a situation they can heal from that. I am not saying you should share inappropriate things with a child....that's just twisted. I am talking about giving a child the consistent information about a situation that will never change. All through a child's life if you tell him the core of it they will deal with that reality better then if you switch the story, situation, and or circumstances somewhere down the line.
Adults tend to (not all) think that children are fragile. How about susceptible? Fill anyone's head with warped perceptions and it's going to jam them up. Show them that the world is ONLY unicorns and gumdrops and that child will not be prepared for the lessons that await all of us.
If you find yourself in a place that isn't safe....get out. If you believe that going back will make it safe again, it won't. You can be attached to someone and not like them or respect them. You are allowed to protect YOU. You are entitled to your sanity. You are allowed to be unmolested, loved, respected, and put first. If you are not being put first ever then it is YOUR job to take care of you. We all fall into that trap of wanted someone better and wiser, and stronger to take care of everything. Well for some of us that isn't possible. You may have to become your own internal parent. Sometimes what you do to keep yourself safe and happy and sane will make no sense to those around you. That's o.k. If they truly care they will make allowances for what you need to do. As long as you aren't harming anyone else or never finding a balance for yourself you don't have to explain to anyone why you are taking care of yourself.
Not everyone gets a happy ending but some of us get peace of mind.
Whatever natural talents you have go in that direction. Doing what anyone else tells you you "should" do will probably lead to a life filled regret. Those around you may leave your path suddenly. People you love may go in another direction. Don't panic....they are needed elsewhere and eventually someone else will come to you. Stay flexible in times of stress. There will always be an answer no matter how difficult it is. Speak from your heart when in doubt, not from your ego.
Don't confuse love and lust. Sometimes you experience both with someone else but more often than not lust doesn't lead to love and then you're left feeling used and sometimes foolish.
Love comes with time. Love comes when someone cares enough to be there not only in actions but in their words as well. Love is about both or there could be deception. Your heart is an amazing part of you....so is your body. Don't share them with just anyone who acts as if you are special. Wait long enough to see if you truly are to them.
Many of us aren't shown a lot of love. I know I wasn't but I sure did try to love everyone around me that they meant something to ME. I didn't take that for granted ever cause I saw how special it was when someone was genuine with me. I had to learn that if I needed something it was up to me to either ask for it or make it clear what I did need. No one is really a mind reader and often when we try to be we 're wrong.
You can make it through this and so much more. You can do this and not become jaded. You can learn to discern what is good and what isn't and move through that and go beyond.
I believe in you and your pain and your struggles. There is no guarantee in the future other than you continue to get chances. What you do with your chances is up to you. I hope this helped.
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