Twenty years ago....

Twenty years ago I was 28 years old.  I was in an unhappy, stagnant marriage.  I was sexually frustrated and with a partner that was so uncommunicative it was like pulling teeth to get him to tell me anything of importance.  What I remember most about being with him was his statement to nearly everything,  "Just don't worry about it".  


And so before my ten year anniversary with this man I ran back to San Jose, California.  A place where I felt magic within the fog and the building of storms.....where I learned about love and family....where I conceived both of my children.  I felt at home there, knew the roads and had a good feel for the people....I felt I belonged...I understood it there.


I took my daughter, my books and my albums and moved in with my then best friend Patty.  I was terrified but I can tell you I never felt more alive.  I got the wrong jobs but met tons of people.  I dated men and refused to stay with someone that could not or would not sexually satisfy me.  I learned that going to a bar for me, was not a group activity.  I didn't sit and wait for someone to make my night.  I had enough confidence to just be myself and talk to nearly everyone.  


I learned to stand on my own feet, sexually, emotionally, as well as some what financially.  I learned who I could rely on and kept moving ahead, sure and shaky toward something that I believed in.....to live in a place filled with love and light and laughter.


I had glimpses of it with Dylan's father.....Heady, intoxicating passion that made me crazy high with his love and depths of despair when I couldn't be with him.  Hours of being loved by him seemed to fill me with wonder only to have it change so much when he drank.  I didn't understand how that disease worked and I really thought if I only loved him a little more, followed him a bit further,  believed his lies a touch longer....that I would have the love and the family I so craved.


I tried with all of my soul to make something out of so little.....clearly I remember most of it.  One night we were with a group of people and night had come and someone built a huge bonfire.  I remember walking up toward someone sitting on top of a picnic table.  I couldn't see who it was but I could feel him.  I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame.  Closer and closer I walked to him....my heart beating hard, my thighs tingling , everything on fire with anticipation of sexual excitement.  Conflict boiled within me as I was in a relationship still ......but I continued walking toward him, his back to me, and when I got to him......I said,  'Hey"........


He turned and I could feel him and his hand touched mine and I was home.......I was connected.... I was there.  It was Dylan's father.  That taught me that no matter I felt about us being together on the deepest level I was with him.


I lost my way during that relationship.  Part of it was his alcoholism and my lack of insight as to what was really happening with him.  As I've said before, he was on his way out of this life before I met him, we just didn't know it yet.  I would break up with him only to feel so alone and bereft that of course when he contacted me, more together and sober, I would go back.  


What finally ended that was Dylan himself and my belief that he deserved to be protected from the very heartbreak of loving his father so much that I followed him and sacrificed so much in a short amount of time.  I couldn't do this for myself at all, but when I realized that Dylan's future and very soul could be at stake, being a mother,  I took him and my shattered life and once again started off with nothing.  


I slept on a friend's futon with my baby boy.....I walked to work every day.......I brought Dylan to a stranger who's only guarantee I had for his safety was that she was licensed.  My heart broke each day that I left him and went to work.  At first at temp jobs and then slowly a more permanent position.  I was still empty inside.  Terrified that I was now raising a child alone again.....what was I going to show him, what would I give him?  So I beat back my fears and put one foot in front of another, even when I broke my foot ( was in a walking cast for a year)  and made the best of everything.


The right man never appeared....nor the right place to live.  It's a wonder I ever had a good night's sleep.  In reality I told myself as long as you 're trying you're going to be ok.  I told myself that G-d wasn't going to drop me on my head.  I had more lessons to learn about what people say and what they do.  I had to learn still not to give up on myself, to not settle and to not believe the bullshit that other people might think about me cause let's face it....no one knows what you 're about unless they've lived it.  Everyone has an opinion but few ever do anything to really make it any better for you.


Twenty years later and I no longer drive that '68 Chevy Suburban, we all called The Beast.  I still don't have that place that I could fill with love and light..........roots.......love.......growth.  I am tired of fighting for something only I can see.  I am bone weary of all the self doubt I possess and carry around that I don't even think is mine.  I am confused and frightened at the future and what it may bring.  Youth gave me bravado and strength to not just live life but hit it hard when it hit me and tried to get me down.  Now at this point  I wonder what happened to all that magic that I once felt the world to hold.


I wonder and I think and I wait.  I feel so much pain now that I didn't even know existed when I was younger.  I was, I believe to busy to process any of the things that actually happened to me and now by proxy to my children.  To live this entire life and not be with my soul mate is somewhat bizarre to me.  


I remember twenty years ago thinking just a bit further up the road, it will materialize.  I will go through the right door, meet the right person, make the correct choice.....and then I will be united, tied, connected.  Instead I often feel on the outside of many things.......a bit like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit in the box it came with.  


So now don't worry.  There is no giving up for me really.  My pleasures just come in tiny portions........my perfect cup of coffee in the morning,  an amazing song to listen to,  my son's manifestation of his future, my daughter's compliments, the laughter of my grandson,  the kind words of my friends,  the scent of the lemon blossoms on the tree where I dump my coffee grounds in the morning.  


Only G-d can bring me to a place of abundance because only a house that is built with that higher energy can really house and nurture us.  I will be patient........I will continue to grow....I will share where I can.....I will shed my tears in private to unburden my heart of the burden of being alone for so long.
" Don't let it bring you down, it's only castles burning, just find someone who's turning and you will come around. " 

THE EVIL STEPMOTHER DELIVERS A POISONED E-MAIL

The following was sent to my daughter from my ex husband's wife:

Have you ever given any thought about what you want out of life for yoursel & Ethan?

Do you know there's a product called birth control? You'd better hope Matt sobers up

because I doubt he's been around a baby 24/7.

I'm reallyw ashamed of you Sam. You're acting like the bitches on Jerry Springer. So far you have 2 baby's Daddy's & no wedding in site. If you think Matt's all sober & responsible now just wait till the doodoo hit's the fan

 

I was always afraid you'd do this to Ethan who needs all the attention he can get & you fulfilled my expectations. Now you're just as skanky as Tara.

When you deliver your latest bundle of joy FOR GOD'S SAKE GET YOUR TUBES TIED!!!

 

You can't support the child you have -  WIC, food stamps, medicaid. I guess you just figure oh well I'm knocked up again but I won't worry cause I can get the Feds, the county & the state to cover my sorry ass since Wal mart sure as hell isn't going to. And neither are we this time around. Let's see what your Dad comes up with for you.

You have turned out just like your mother. That should make the 2 of you very proud.

I guaranteeMatt will go back to the bottle after if not before. That's just the way alcoholics deal with stress. I'm sure Melissa will be happy to be woken up at night by baby's screams, etc. But you will just keep on letting other people take care of the child who will need such care that Ethan gets little if any attention.   For once in your life do the right thing & call Dr.Damon Stutes at the West End Womens Medical Group at 5915Tyrone Rd.  827 0616. It doesn't hurt & at 3 weeks it's not even the size of a peanut. You can tell the people you know (who are no doubt in favor of you NOT having a child) that you have had a miscarriage. You don't hurt afterwords either at worst it's like period cramps.   Don't make this child come into a world where she can't be supported or given any kind of normal life & will cause  poor Ethan will be neglected.   Iguess you don't remember all your complaints & pains with Ethan . I think you know in your heat how this will come out. Matt & you have a snowball's chance in hell of making it. Then you will be a single mother with 2 kids by 2 fathers. You think it was hard on your own with 1 child wait until #2. You're even with you mother & you're on your to being a Tina. Do you remember your cool friend at Salem Place.   I know you think you can handle it but all the odds are against you.  You have created this bizarre situation & think that you and Matt will live happily ever after but you won't,no more than your mother did for Dylan whose father never married her. She left you at your cousins So she could follow Leon the drunk carnival worker. I know your Mom has filled you head with a bunch of crap but if you want the true side of story ask your Dad. He was there too. They say that history is always from the perspective of the victors.  After all if you don't survive you can't tell your side of the story.  Every person has a right to their opinion.  Including the succubus that married my daughter's father.  Every person also has the right to make mistakes, learn from them and love with all of their heart.   After processing the venom of this letter targeted at me and my daughter I have a few things to say.  I believe from the bottom of my soul that my children were conceived out of love and that no matter how hard it was.......I tried to put them first.  Some of us meet the partner of our soul and it frees us to do other work upon this earth.  Some of us have no idea what we're looking for so we recreate our parent's relationship.  Some of us had no idea what to do and made the best out of the absolute worse situations.   Being an adult means that one literally responds to things that happen to them and those around them. My daughter is 25 not 12.  Condoms break, pills fail, babies are conceived and with a loving heart some of us take that as a blessing.  My daughter did.  There is always a way to care for another life.  There is always a way to build love and heal.  There is always a way to find solace in something unexpected that happens to us.  This letter is filled with such poison and hate.  It is vulgar and filthy and vile.  I am guilty of having children with two different men.........and?   I am proud of those two people.  They are peaceful, soulful, and beautiful.  When I am dead and long gone I know I have infused them with light and love and music.  Our family is not rich with money but we are filled with love and passion and giving.  My legacy to my children isn't shame but one of power and survival.   Since when does a child suffer from a baby brother or sister coming into their life?  My daughter is anything other than a neglectful hateful mother.  She is practically Mother Nature herself........always growing things, caring for all of those around her.  My daughter Samantha is a force of nature, just like the storm that hit Sacramento the day she was born.  Her power and strength and beauty astound me. As a parent I sure hope my children don't turn out like me but that they surpass me.  I survived a traumatic childhood.  I know my children didn't have it easy either but neither one can ever say I didn't love them and try my best.  I can live with that.  I can look them in the eye and know it.   Laurel ( my ex's wife)  what is it that you hate so much?  That we exist?  That we survive?  That Samantha and I share a fierce ability to stick up for ourself in spite of what other's think of us?  In a perfect world we all grow up and meet the man or woman of our dreams that is equally suited for us and we never struggle.  Yeah right, and then you wake up.  At least Samantha has a respect for life.  She is willing to take on the huge responsibility of being a good parent.  Unlike you Laurel.  When you had the chance to be a step mom to her you kept insisting Samantha was clinically insane because she was wild and full of life.  That's called youth, btw.  You tried to minimize her, medicate her, extinguish her passion and when that didn't work, instead of accepting her for who she is you kicked her out of your home at 16.    Instead of learning who she is you put every possible obstacle in her way so that she, like me, had to grasp at straws and make the best out of relationships with some men that didn't deserve her.  She won't be the first or the last person to do that. ..... after all you married my ex husband.   Instead of learning some kind of compromise you hit Samantha with mistrust, suspicion, and unrealistic expectations.  I don't know of too many teens that could thrive under those expectations.  So like me, she went out on her own and learned that friends aren't always who you thought, boyfriends will disappoint and family isn't always there for you.   Like me Samantha never gave up, was never beaten down for long and yes, took the hardest road possible.  This is a crime?  This makes her less than valuable?  My daughter like me is not an indescriminant slut.  Having two relationships or five is no ones business but that persons. Just because you decided to sleep your way through a million men and do every drug under the sun does not mean that your step daughter was cut from the same cloth.  Instead of finding something about her to like, even if it was just that she is your husband's only daughter you didn't.  You fulfilled the stereotype of the evil step mother.  You couldn't even bother to put up pictures of her in your home. You Laurel are a dangerous person because your intelligence is not linked to a loving heart.  You have no depth nor an ability to understand that people make mistakes and sometimes need help.  You have made it obvious that you wish I and therefore Samantha never existed.  Well guess what?  We do.  I will continue to support my daughter in what SHE CHOOSES in her life.  I may not always agree with it. The timing may be horrible but babies are a blessing after all..........if we all waited until things were just perfect very few of us would be born. The worst part isn't just that you thought these things Laurel......but that you sent them to Samantha.  She read them.  And your hate hit my beautiful daughter so deeply that you got your wish.  A few hours later she began to cramp and bleed and in the morning called me terrified at the blood that she found between her legs.  I told her and Matt to go to the ER and she listened.   So you don't need to worry that someone like my amazing daughter will share another blessing with YOU because that child decided to pass on this time.  My daughter is left now with an empty womb. And for what?  Are you satisfied?  How does that wish feel to have been fulfilled at the expense perhaps of my daughter's life.  Be careful what you wish for Laurel because in the universe all things strive to be balanced.  When it is your time to reap what you sow upon this earth and upon my daughter, I don't want to be anywhere near you.  You are a pathetic excuse for a human being.  The full weight of this is on your soul, Laurel.  All of it. I can live with the things that happened to me and who I loved and who I created.  If you spent half as much time on your own life as you did dissecting mine you might be a happier person.  I pray you find it in your heart to leave Samantha and Matt to figure things out in their own way.  I think they will succeed in spite of you and after all...........that's the best reward of all.