My fortress and no you may not have the security code.

Libra Horoscope for week of July 1, 2010




Have you been doing a lot of sweating and grunting from sheer exertion in 2010? Have you thrown yourself conscientiously into the hardest, smartest labor you've ever enjoyed? I hope so, because that would suggest you're in rapt alignment with this year's cosmic rhythms. It would mean that you have been cashing in on the rather sublime opportunities you're being offered to diligently prove how much you love your life. The next six months will provide you with even more and better prods, Libra, so please find even deeper reserves of determination. Intensify your commitment to mastering the work you came to this planet to do.



I have been thinking a lot about walls......fortresses......boundaries.  We all have them.  Some people are clearer about their boundaries than others.  I have been thinking lately about how some people get to be within my walls....under the radar....all defenses down.  Those people are few and far between. 
 
I wasn't taught boundaries.  I had to learn them on the run...off the cuff....and as I am sometimes so fond of saying, Right upside my head.  I have erected walls for my fortress that are strong and necessary and long overdue.  Anyone that says they don't need walls are either completely walked all over or someone else's door mat.  I have no desire to be either of those. 
 
I don't go around buidling these walls on purpose....rather it is when someone tries to come close that they smack right into one that I even become aware of them....  Sometimes after someone hits one of my walls I hear the all to familiar exclamation of, Why don't you lighten up and have some fun....Why don't you try and be more fun.....Why don't you live in the now, take a chance, doing something daring....and on and on it goes.....
 
At these moments I see, very clearly that this person or people don't know me at all.  Me?  The original wild child?  The girl that had no fear, that didn't know there was a hardship she couldnt break down or at least get high through?  Me, who had no idea what it was to really be there for myself when no one else was going to?  Me....The person who laughed for the blissful sake of laughter while making love....while seeing the ocean....while starting her life over yet again.  That girl?
 
Well she is now a woman and if you hit one of my walls it is your problem not mine.  I don't have to let you in, give you the security code, or a sledge hammer.  I don't have to explain to you why you hurt me, why you expect everything to be handed to you immediately, why I am so stubborn.  I don't have to and won't settle.  I won't doubt myself that I am less than beautiful because I don't fit your idea of a perfect woman.  I will NOT question why you can't get close to me when someone else may be able to waltz right through and snuggle up close. 
 
I know that walls and boundaries are there for my protection not yours.  I know that i am the one with the difficult past, the narcissistic parents, the foster homes, the orphanage, the bad relationships, the overwhelmeing responsibiilities with no one cheering me from the sidelines.  My stuff....mine mine mine.  Yes my baggage.  All of it.  Downsized....opened up....gone through...processed....and accepted by me.  You want it to be all sugar and sweet and nice?  Find someone else to play with.  Please do yourself a favor but don't expect me to live my life by a timeline that satisfies you in some quick easy way.
 
I know my way around myself better than anyone else so don't expect me to minimize my existance to make you feel better.  My life is a full time job....that's what my Aunt Carol always tells me....so please make sure that your life is your full time job.  I am capable of blowing up, getting rid of , or giving you the security codes into my fortress but when it feels right to me, not any time sooner.
 
When I lay my head down on my pillow at night I am alone.  Still alone.  I don't know if and when that will change.  I do know that in order for me to remain on this side of sanity I can not pretend that my pillows are an actual breathing, comforting person next to me.  I do not like pseudo-intimacy.  Very often I find that people around me are sucking up that illusion like a free slurpy day at 7.11.  I want so much to be connected to someone real and strong and here.....but I ask myself, at what cost?  The answer is usually at little cost for I don't want to sacrifice my comfort in who I am to exchange it for a basket full of self doubt. 
 
That is the difference between me now and me 20 years ago.  I will not settle for a lesser version of truth about myself, what I have to give, and more importantly what I am able to receive.
 
The walls remain in tact until something tangible, concrete, and so real it takes my breathe away appears......Then the trumpets will sound, the drawbridge will come down, and you will be welcomed in..... all the way in...with no hesitation or reservation.