This week I sent my daughter the Christmas angel that sat upon the tree all through her childhood. I had named him Michael as he reminded me of the Arch Angel and really looked more masculine than frilly.
Of course this started me thinking about past holidays starting from my childhood. As an adult I can peer within these scenes and view them with a very different filter. Holidays were a big deal to my mother. I think it appealed to the artist within her and allowed her to be expressive in the beauty of decorating the tree and the house.
Looking back I often wonder about all the things that weren't there for the holiday. Despite the fact that my mother was usually high or drunk the appearances were all in place. It was far from normal under the pretty lights. I remember one holiday where my mother had a falling out with some of her friends. While I patiently waited for the lasagna to be done her friends spent what seemed like hours banging on the door. Not only didn't my mother answer the door, but I wasn't allowed to make any noise. As if they couldn't smell the lasagna baking? As if they didn't know my agoraphobic mother was in the apartment? What often passed for normal, I now know was far from that.
When I was 14 I went from Far Rockaway to the Bronx for Christmas. I hadn't been home since moving out in May. I had a horrible cold. I sat huddled in my Far Rockaway high school coat, with my name, Laura Joy, embroidered over my heart....nodding in and out of a fever that had started just as I sat down for the long subway ride up to my mother's. Every time the train came to a stop and the doors opened, I would look up, shivering as the icy cold wind blasted in from outside. I would take in the people that had arrived as well as those that had left. Always being aware of those around you is a suvival technique of any big city dweller.
At one point I opened my eyes to notice a man standing across from me. In his arms he had two huge bouquets of gladiolas. Summer flowers in December? Not only did this look out of place......he might as well have been holding two martian babies. Typical New York protocol was that no one made eye contact and no one commented on these hot house beauties laying in his arms.
A little while later the train came to a stop and I felt something on my lap. Startled I looked down and there was a bouquet of the gladiolas. As I was taking this in, the man said, Merry Christmas Laura Joy.....and walked off as the doors opened. Gone before I could say anything. A gift from a stranger carrying something that looked so out of place at a time where nothing grew. I looked around, no one had batted an eyelash. I looked within the paper wrapped stems....there were only more stems, nothing else.
What did that man see on my fever flushed face? What prompted him to gift me those obviously expensive flowers? When I got to my mother's and told her what had happened she lashed out at me. Not only didn't she believe me but she acted as if I had performed some sexual deviant act for the flowers.
That was the last time I went home for the holidays. My mother signed me over to the state of New York after that and moved to Los Angeles. I never again had her lasagna, although I made my own and made it without all the drama of my childhood. When I was an adult and my mother came to visit me what I realized most of all was just how afraid of everything she really was. The things she asked me about not only would I never worry about, they hadn't even concerned me as a child.
The Christmas Angel Michael that i sent to my daughter represented for me all the ways of making a holiday normal. It meant to me that I did things because I wanted to, because it filled my heart and fed my soul. The holiday meant making sure that those around me would be nurtured through my gift of cooking and the perfect orchestration of a well timed meal. I had not only recreated those early memories in my life without the sordid inappropriatness of my parents but with a confidence and love that I never saw growing up. I tried so hard because I never saw anyone go outside of their selfish needs for anyone but themself growing up. It mattered so much to me to create something of beauty and depth that wasn't about just going through the motions. With every ornament, every layer of lasagna prepared, and the final topping of the tree, I wanted to surpass the strangeness of my childhood.
I hope that Michael brings to Samantha, my daughter all of that energy and so much more. I hope that she is surrounded in her life by people that give as well as receive her love and beauty. I hope that she finds herself encompassed by souls that grow and develop themselves as individuals as well as her. I hope that when she tops her tree with that angel, he crowns her holiday with peace, love, and joy.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, December 9, 2010
PARENTING-THE NEXT GENERATION
Today is my grandson's birthday. Ethan Blue is four years old today. He calls me Nana which is adorable and I am proud to be his "nana".
When he thinks of me I wonder what details he will accumulate about who I am. I know that he realizes how close his mother is to me....we talk on the phone nearly every day. I often think about how much we soak up about other people when we're exposed to them, especially as children.
I believe children have a unique detection system. It allows us to gauge who we're around and how to act. Perhaps those children that act out the most have either little ability to detect those around them or don't care.
I remember when my daughter was born my mother insisted on being there for her arrival. My mother was there for me while I was in the hospital and when I was released from the hospital I went to her house. For some odd reason I thought I would be nurtured and I would have a safe place to recuperate. My husband was a truck driver and had left me and my new born daughter while we were still in the hospital in order to go back out on the road. I think I lasted less than a week at my mother's apartment. I told my husband, either come home and a take me home or don't bother returning for us at all.
I was having a lot of problems with my marriage and my mother was really no help. When I went back to work I asked her to watch the baby for me. That seemed to make sense, right? It wasn't going to work out she told me. She flat out refused to watch her so I told my husband he would watch her and I would work on weekends and at night. He tried to refuse but I wouldn't listen.
Unlike other families that had support unconditionally from their members I've never felt as if I could count on anyone like that. Even if someone were there for me it is very old conditioning from my parents that I carry. Everything that happened to them was first, things that happened to me were either minimized or just ignored and sometimes even ridiculed.
I was in the delivery room when Ethan came into this world. I helped bring him here. I take this relationship with him very much to heart. I often coach and counsel my daughter over the phone and I have to tell you as much as I wish I were there in person....I am so thankful that she considers me a reliable resource.
I see many things that happen between her and her son and guide her through what is important in the long run. Each and every power struggle between a child and his mother/ father is rarely about the child but about the parent. I learned this lesson way too late in parenting and now I step into that place and ask my self and now my daughter....."who is this really about"?
Children need to be loved unconditionally. This includes clear boundaries and limits. It is through this balancing act that we learn how to parent ourself, how to learn self control, and how to maneuver through the World. We are not the only ones teaching our children how to be. Children are like tuning forks, picking up the constand vibrations spoken and unspoken around them every second of the day and night. So I ask my daughter, Is this about you or about your son? Do you need to be right about this? What is it he really needs and why don't you just ask him? Each and every time I have been priviledged to facilitate what is going on between parent and child the rewards have been bountiful. Not only does Ethan respond but his reaction to being asked is profound. He expresses what the problem is. It is then my daughter's choice whether to become malleable in this instance and grasp the underlying need or to stand firm and continue fighting a needless fight. I am of the opinion that children as well as adults know what they need, they're rarely asked and then even less often listened to. We are so busy having others exert their authority over us that when do we listen to ourself? When do we learn to trust that we in fact are right?
I am so happy to be a participant as a next generation parent to my grandson. I really believe that being a first time parent is not only overwhelming it is also filled with it's own unique tunnel vision. There is little perspective to carry us out of the ocean of emotion and heated moments into a place outside of that moment of reactivity.
In the long run we need to know someone loves us just the way we are every moment of every day. This is very different from liking what someone chooses to do. You can love someone and still not like their choice. There is great power in being able to communicate that to someone. The gift in that is the person receives a safety net within which hopefully they will move to a better place on their own. Growth and development that is achieved because the individual chooses it is far great than that from someone that is doing something out of fear.
I will always be here for you Ethan and your mother. I will applaude your mistakes as well as your victories. I see enough to know that we often zig before we zag in our growth as people. I will remind your mother that she was often stubborn and what did it serve her in the long run. We are all works in progress. We are all looking for love and acceptance. We are all wandering about in the bodies of adults but still yearning for the comfort of the arms of a safe person to hold us. The lessons you have in store for us Ethan will be amazing. The challenges for us to ask of ourselves will be rewarding as well as difficult at times. You remind me that some lessons take years to come full circle and that sometimes only in the voice of a child does a lesson really hit home and resonate within our soul.
When he thinks of me I wonder what details he will accumulate about who I am. I know that he realizes how close his mother is to me....we talk on the phone nearly every day. I often think about how much we soak up about other people when we're exposed to them, especially as children.
I believe children have a unique detection system. It allows us to gauge who we're around and how to act. Perhaps those children that act out the most have either little ability to detect those around them or don't care.
I remember when my daughter was born my mother insisted on being there for her arrival. My mother was there for me while I was in the hospital and when I was released from the hospital I went to her house. For some odd reason I thought I would be nurtured and I would have a safe place to recuperate. My husband was a truck driver and had left me and my new born daughter while we were still in the hospital in order to go back out on the road. I think I lasted less than a week at my mother's apartment. I told my husband, either come home and a take me home or don't bother returning for us at all.
I was having a lot of problems with my marriage and my mother was really no help. When I went back to work I asked her to watch the baby for me. That seemed to make sense, right? It wasn't going to work out she told me. She flat out refused to watch her so I told my husband he would watch her and I would work on weekends and at night. He tried to refuse but I wouldn't listen.
Unlike other families that had support unconditionally from their members I've never felt as if I could count on anyone like that. Even if someone were there for me it is very old conditioning from my parents that I carry. Everything that happened to them was first, things that happened to me were either minimized or just ignored and sometimes even ridiculed.
I was in the delivery room when Ethan came into this world. I helped bring him here. I take this relationship with him very much to heart. I often coach and counsel my daughter over the phone and I have to tell you as much as I wish I were there in person....I am so thankful that she considers me a reliable resource.
I see many things that happen between her and her son and guide her through what is important in the long run. Each and every power struggle between a child and his mother/ father is rarely about the child but about the parent. I learned this lesson way too late in parenting and now I step into that place and ask my self and now my daughter....."who is this really about"?
Children need to be loved unconditionally. This includes clear boundaries and limits. It is through this balancing act that we learn how to parent ourself, how to learn self control, and how to maneuver through the World. We are not the only ones teaching our children how to be. Children are like tuning forks, picking up the constand vibrations spoken and unspoken around them every second of the day and night. So I ask my daughter, Is this about you or about your son? Do you need to be right about this? What is it he really needs and why don't you just ask him? Each and every time I have been priviledged to facilitate what is going on between parent and child the rewards have been bountiful. Not only does Ethan respond but his reaction to being asked is profound. He expresses what the problem is. It is then my daughter's choice whether to become malleable in this instance and grasp the underlying need or to stand firm and continue fighting a needless fight. I am of the opinion that children as well as adults know what they need, they're rarely asked and then even less often listened to. We are so busy having others exert their authority over us that when do we listen to ourself? When do we learn to trust that we in fact are right?
I am so happy to be a participant as a next generation parent to my grandson. I really believe that being a first time parent is not only overwhelming it is also filled with it's own unique tunnel vision. There is little perspective to carry us out of the ocean of emotion and heated moments into a place outside of that moment of reactivity.
In the long run we need to know someone loves us just the way we are every moment of every day. This is very different from liking what someone chooses to do. You can love someone and still not like their choice. There is great power in being able to communicate that to someone. The gift in that is the person receives a safety net within which hopefully they will move to a better place on their own. Growth and development that is achieved because the individual chooses it is far great than that from someone that is doing something out of fear.
I will always be here for you Ethan and your mother. I will applaude your mistakes as well as your victories. I see enough to know that we often zig before we zag in our growth as people. I will remind your mother that she was often stubborn and what did it serve her in the long run. We are all works in progress. We are all looking for love and acceptance. We are all wandering about in the bodies of adults but still yearning for the comfort of the arms of a safe person to hold us. The lessons you have in store for us Ethan will be amazing. The challenges for us to ask of ourselves will be rewarding as well as difficult at times. You remind me that some lessons take years to come full circle and that sometimes only in the voice of a child does a lesson really hit home and resonate within our soul.
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