Libra Horoscope for week of January 28, 2010
My theory is that right now the whole world is in love with you. In some places, this simmering adoration is bordering on infatuation. Creatures great and small are more apt than usual to recognize what's beautiful and original about you. As a result, wonders and marvels are likely to coalesce in your vicinity. Is there anything you can do to ensure that events unfold in ways that will yield maximum benefits for everyone concerned? Yes: Be yourself with as much tender intensity as you can muster.
Last week I tried to remember how I used to be so buoyant.....positive......forward thinking. Something occurred to me in a flash. When I was growing up I had no idea how bad things were. I surrounded myself with a shield of 'one day's' and 'when I grow up". This distinct outlook carried me from one situation to the next.......always trying to gleem out one more reason why it was happening to ME. Always searching for where I belonged......what group I could be a part of......where I fit in.
I've known for a long time now that I am a 'betweener' ........always on the cusp of realizing something......always on the fringe.....still on the outside looking in. Moving from place to place.....from family to family......gave me a sense of there being something just ahead......if only I waited everything would be ok. But this was never home.....there were no roots......it was actually chaos and pain and destruction all around me. So filled with the belief that all would turn out right in my World I made great appearances of normalcy. I had relationships....jobs......children.....friends......all the appearances of a life being made. I tried so hard to fulfill a deep longing within myself to make the family I never had......to be the parent I never received.......to be the friend that never let you down.
To my daughter and son......I know for a fact they know this about me. That through my complete ignorance of how the Real World worked I raised them both with as much love and strength as I could find......that I protected them the best I could.....that I never promised them anything that I wasn't prepared to follow through on. Experiencing motherhood forever changed me......for the better, I believe. If there is a 1000 ways to wash dishes I had personally seen at least 20 ways to make families. I became an expert on how to not make waves for fear of being removed from whatever stability I had found at that moment. What I didn't know in raising my children was that through their childhoods I was growing up once again. And realizing the depth of what was really done to me.
It wasn't until choice after choice was made by me.......putting my children first that I realized how lonely I really was growing up. After committing myself to keeping us safe I saw again and again that rarely did anyone put me first in their life. This became so apparrent that I turned inward and decided to face the World alone for there must be no place for me.....no home....no mate.....just an endless stream of enduring crises and solutions.
This was so very wrong.....I will know what it is to be loved primarily and not just obligatory. I will find my place and purpose in the World. It's not to late to discover anything and everything. I am not on the outside of anything except what I choose to remain outside of. How many years do those people that neglected me get to keep imparting their pain? No more !
So I have decided to go back to playing my little game of pretending there is a light at the end of the tunnel...that the story turns out happily ever after.....that every song ever written holds deep connections and truth for me.....that there are signs from the Universe talking to me from random places.....that good overcomes evil.....that I was born to be loved and to be able to love in the deepest capacity possible. I have decided that in my lifetime I get to experience all of it.......everything .....and perhaps....just maybe I got a lot of the bad stuff out of the way when my belief wasn't tarnished just yet....when my soul sang a song to me of longing and truth because for me.....well that is my right.
I used to laugh at many things including myslef......I used to believe that 'love will find a way'......I used to hold to my heart the unwavering truth that i was right within the worst situations.....because I was. I have spent my entire life trying to be a good person......trying to do the right thing sometimes for the wrong people.....trying to uphold some inner code that only was being whispered to me. And by now I believe it's apparrent that this is who I am.....
I am going to try really hard to not forget the bliss I found out of not enduring but in living from one moment to the next......that no matter where I used to wake up and within what circumstances I found myself in......I found the glory and beauty of just existing and being alive. This is truly the gift we each hold within us......the ability to find and share our deepest love with ourself and the World. And if someone doesn't want my love that's ok....someone else will.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
INTIMACY
Main Entry: in·ti·ma·cy
Pronunciation: \ˈin-tə-mə-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·ti·ma·cies
Date: 1641
1 : the state of being intimate : familiarity
2 : something of a personal or private nature
I woke up this morning thinking of intimacy and what it means to me......how it's manifested in my life....or perhaps the lack of intimacy I really have.
I can look back and see the warped seeds of intimacy that I had as models for behavior growing up. I always disregarded those examples. What I saw within my parents' relationships were excuses not to do their own personal work, as well as the fact I could see, they weren't really honest with themself or their parnters.
So I set out to learn to be true to myself.....to heed my own inner creed......to cultivate intimacy with myself. I grew to become very private.......I turned so inward that I practically re-decorated my interior life. I grew comfortable there......I thought I had finally accomplished something great and grand and safe.
Erecting walls of such a grand scale took time and effort and lots and lots of fear. Underneath my determination to do it my way was this need to not be hurt again.....not choose the wrong man.......not once again fuck everything up so completely.
So what happens when I want to become intimate with someone else? To 'be familiar with'? Barriers and more fear!!!!!!!!!!! A journey that could be filled with wonderment and intimacy is also fraught with an unfamiliarity.
In a lifetime where I am lucky enough to have time to see situations and myself from yet another perspective I now see I am rusty and unknowing of intimacy between me and another person. This question comes up over and over again....."Why would you even want me?" " Don't you know I come from a place so fractured"? So consumed with being honest and self disclosing I totally missed a huge piece of the picture. I am more than my past, where I came from, who I was exposed to, what mistakes I made.
Done, finished, dealt with...........Today, right at this moment even though everything occured it matters little to help me with intimacy. For what I see now is that intimacy can and should be fresh and new and unexplored. I'm not needing or wanting to re-invent myself but I do have an opportunity to put forth the best parts of me and what I've been learning into practice.
I have become so accustomed to looking out for me that I forget that someone else might want to help. I became so good at standing up for me that I neglected to know and accept that someone would have my back. I chose to stand in a place of such hard-fast resiliance that I forgot how to be vulnerable........not just to myself but to the magnificence of someone else and the gifts of the World.
Where I was once open and fluid I have become rigid and ambivilent. This is not what I want or need to continue to be. So now I feel like the shoe is on the other foot. The pendulum has moved back the other way.......I am going outside myself to re-integrate with the World and all it offers. I once moved through the World armed only with the belief that Love is the right way and to look for it in all people and situations. I forgot to do that for myself for the greatest experience we can truly have is to share ourself, our most intimate self with another human being.
Instead of making the most out of a minimum person, place, or thing, I will have the greatest response from a person that is fully capable of responding on all levels to me and to himself as well as the World. I see now that the intimacy I am willing to have is a good thing, but the intimacy I am willing to have with another is how I can continue to learn and grow and develop.
It is important to stand at a place and look back and see everything played out. It is far better to stand and look forward and see the beauty of what has not yet played out.
Pronunciation: \ˈin-tə-mə-sē\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural in·ti·ma·cies
Date: 1641
1 : the state of being intimate : familiarity
2 : something of a personal or private nature
I woke up this morning thinking of intimacy and what it means to me......how it's manifested in my life....or perhaps the lack of intimacy I really have.
I can look back and see the warped seeds of intimacy that I had as models for behavior growing up. I always disregarded those examples. What I saw within my parents' relationships were excuses not to do their own personal work, as well as the fact I could see, they weren't really honest with themself or their parnters.
So I set out to learn to be true to myself.....to heed my own inner creed......to cultivate intimacy with myself. I grew to become very private.......I turned so inward that I practically re-decorated my interior life. I grew comfortable there......I thought I had finally accomplished something great and grand and safe.
Erecting walls of such a grand scale took time and effort and lots and lots of fear. Underneath my determination to do it my way was this need to not be hurt again.....not choose the wrong man.......not once again fuck everything up so completely.
So what happens when I want to become intimate with someone else? To 'be familiar with'? Barriers and more fear!!!!!!!!!!! A journey that could be filled with wonderment and intimacy is also fraught with an unfamiliarity.
In a lifetime where I am lucky enough to have time to see situations and myself from yet another perspective I now see I am rusty and unknowing of intimacy between me and another person. This question comes up over and over again....."Why would you even want me?" " Don't you know I come from a place so fractured"? So consumed with being honest and self disclosing I totally missed a huge piece of the picture. I am more than my past, where I came from, who I was exposed to, what mistakes I made.
Done, finished, dealt with...........Today, right at this moment even though everything occured it matters little to help me with intimacy. For what I see now is that intimacy can and should be fresh and new and unexplored. I'm not needing or wanting to re-invent myself but I do have an opportunity to put forth the best parts of me and what I've been learning into practice.
I have become so accustomed to looking out for me that I forget that someone else might want to help. I became so good at standing up for me that I neglected to know and accept that someone would have my back. I chose to stand in a place of such hard-fast resiliance that I forgot how to be vulnerable........not just to myself but to the magnificence of someone else and the gifts of the World.
Where I was once open and fluid I have become rigid and ambivilent. This is not what I want or need to continue to be. So now I feel like the shoe is on the other foot. The pendulum has moved back the other way.......I am going outside myself to re-integrate with the World and all it offers. I once moved through the World armed only with the belief that Love is the right way and to look for it in all people and situations. I forgot to do that for myself for the greatest experience we can truly have is to share ourself, our most intimate self with another human being.
Instead of making the most out of a minimum person, place, or thing, I will have the greatest response from a person that is fully capable of responding on all levels to me and to himself as well as the World. I see now that the intimacy I am willing to have is a good thing, but the intimacy I am willing to have with another is how I can continue to learn and grow and develop.
It is important to stand at a place and look back and see everything played out. It is far better to stand and look forward and see the beauty of what has not yet played out.
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