Vanquishing the past and making peace with the future

"Libra Horoscope for week of August 27, 2009




Years ago, a TV sitcom called The Andy Griffith Show ran for seven seasons on CBS. Its star, Any Griffith, played a mild-mannered sheriff in a small town in North Carolina. His sidekick was Barney Fife, a bumbling deputy with a sweet disposition. Shortly after he left the show, Griffith had a dream in which he thrashed and pummeled his co-star. When he asked his psychiatrist about the meaning of this dream violence, the shrink speculated that he was trying to kill off his old image. I recommend that exact strategy to you now, Libra. Don't actually wreak any real-life mayhem. Rather, see if you can have a dream or two in which you destroy a symbol of the life you're ready to leave behind. "

There is a place within us all that screams for love and acceptance.  I believe it is this very loud place which drives us to seek companionship with others, intimacy, and friendship.  It is our ego that gets stroked by the charming lilt of someone's compliment, a raising of an eyebrow, an open stare  which makes us preen and cast aside our better senses for something a lot less grounded.

I have accepted and learned about myself that I have spent way too much time alone.  From the time I was a young child I was solitary.  My often addicted, narcissistic mother saw my intelligence as something she created.  My acceptance was through a series of astounding statements that wow'd my mother and her equally high friends.  To say that I was a trippy little kid was putting it mildly.  I was ancient at age ten.  Already living through a decade of my mother's moods and addiction. 

Books were my brothers and sisters.  Music was my church.  And balance was something I strived very hard for.  And after all the churning of trauma had finally stilled within me, and I stood in a place of total compliance in front of G-d and I cried, I understand, I AM NOT ALONE.  I am yet still. 

Others around me go about finding destiny and sympathy, laughter and compliance, faith and coercion.  I have often laughingly said that if you take a thousand men and stick them in a room, I will not only connect with but relate to the most fractured one.  Not just casually but on such an intimate level that it draws him to me in a rapture he had never before experienced.  To be understood and accepted is what we yearn at the deepest parts of our souls for. 

So after all these years it is still that I yearn for someone to 'get' me, to understand me, to yearn for me, to crave me, to lust for me, to make room for me, to care for me.  I can build all the peace around me that I want but the one that will come crashing through it all I fear, may not be whole and learned but brash and commanding.  He won't have learned his lessons but endured and shoved down his pain till it fused into something so cynical all I can do is laugh at its ability to repel and attract me.

A man that hasn't been disappointed or discarded will never, I fear, understand where I have come from and what I have chosen to over come.  A whole person, not fractured into a billion pieces, will only blink at me in horror when I tell my story over and over again, spinning it out, the pulp fiction feel of the characters that were my childhood. 

Normal ?  Secure?  Sane?  He would sit and think like so many others that surely I must have inherited some even tiny bit of that crazy.  For who on Earth would do all the work it takes not to be a cruel, selfish, unaware hedonist so that she could get hers.  After all one often thinks they're due it right? 

What kind of adult goes through life thinking that good will overcome evil, that sanity will balance psychosis, that love will find a way? 

I don't want a man that has remained broken as a partner.  I don't want to be strong for him only.  I don't want to convince a man that there is something greater out there than all of us.  I don't want to battle with someone about the right thing to do, no matter how small.  I want someone to come to me that knows better than me, that can teach me how to be strong and still carry pain, that survival and healing are possible, that stepping away from the role of victim doesn't have to leave you in a place so narrow that one can only peer through the narrowest of slats.

I have no shame in who i am now or who I have ever been.  I don't want to be controled or told that I don't know something because of his previous experience with women who are less than.  I want a parnter that understands about choosing the path of Light, of being born good and choosing to stay there no matter what.
I want a partner that not only is proud of my enduring strength but will never feel threatened by it because he has an abundance of his own.  I want an adult.