PARENTING-THE NEXT GENERATION

Today is my grandson's birthday.  Ethan Blue is four years old today.  He calls me Nana which is adorable and I am proud to be his "nana".

When he thinks of me I wonder what details he will accumulate about who I am.  I know that he realizes how close his mother is to me....we talk on the phone nearly every day.  I often think about how much we soak up about other people when we're exposed to them, especially as children.

I believe children have a unique detection system.  It allows us to gauge who we're around and how to act.  Perhaps those children that act out the most have either little ability to detect those around them or don't care.

I remember when my daughter was born my mother insisted on being there for her arrival.  My mother was there for me while I was in the hospital and when I was released from the hospital I went to her house.  For some odd reason I thought I would be nurtured and I would have a safe place to recuperate.  My husband was a truck driver and had left me and my new born daughter while we were still in the hospital in order to go back out on the road.  I think I lasted less than a week at my mother's apartment.  I told my husband, either come home and a take me home or don't bother returning for us at all.

I was having a lot of problems with my marriage and my mother was really no help.  When I went back to work I asked her to watch the baby for me.  That seemed to make sense, right?  It wasn't going to work out she told me.  She flat out refused to watch her so I told my husband he would watch her and I would work on weekends and at night.  He tried to refuse but I wouldn't listen. 

Unlike other families that had support unconditionally from their members I've never felt as if I could count on anyone like that.  Even if someone were there for me it is very old conditioning from my parents that I carry.  Everything that happened to them was first, things that happened to me were either minimized or just ignored and sometimes even ridiculed.

I was in the delivery room when Ethan came into this world.  I helped bring him here.  I take this relationship with him very much to heart.  I often coach and counsel my daughter over the phone and I have to tell you as much as I wish I were there in person....I am so thankful that she considers me a reliable resource.

I see many things that happen between her  and her son and guide her through what is important in the long run.  Each and every power struggle between a child and his mother/ father is rarely about the child but about the parent.  I learned this lesson way too late in parenting and now I step into that place and ask my self and now my daughter....."who is this really about"?

Children need to be loved unconditionally.  This includes clear boundaries and limits.  It is through this balancing act that we learn how to parent ourself, how to learn self control, and how to maneuver through the World.  We are not the only ones teaching our children how to be.  Children are like tuning forks, picking up the constand vibrations spoken and unspoken around them every second of the day and night.  So I ask my daughter, Is this about you or about your son?  Do you need to be right about this?  What is it he really needs and why don't you just ask him?  Each and every time I have been priviledged to facilitate what is going on between parent and child the rewards have been bountiful.  Not only does Ethan respond but his reaction to being asked is profound.  He expresses what the problem is.  It is then my daughter's choice whether to become malleable in this instance and grasp the underlying need or to stand firm and continue fighting a needless fight.  I am of the opinion that children as well as adults know what they need, they're rarely asked and then even less often listened to.  We are so busy having others exert their authority over us that when do we listen to ourself?  When do we learn to trust that we in fact are right?

I am so happy to be a participant as a next generation parent to my grandson.  I really believe that being a first time parent is not only overwhelming it is also filled with it's own unique tunnel vision.  There is little perspective to carry us out of the ocean of emotion and heated moments into a place outside of that moment of reactivity.

In the long run we need to know someone loves us just the way we are every moment of every day.  This is very different from liking what someone chooses to do.  You can love someone and still not like their choice.  There is great power in being able to communicate that to someone.  The gift in that is the person receives a safety net within which hopefully they will move to a better place on their own.  Growth and development that is achieved because the individual chooses it is far great than that from someone that is doing something out of fear.

I will always be here for you Ethan and your mother.  I will applaude your mistakes as well as your victories.  I see enough to know that we often zig before we zag in our growth as people.  I will remind your mother that she was often stubborn and what did it serve her in the long run.  We are all works in progress.  We are all looking for love and acceptance.  We are all wandering about in the bodies of adults but still  yearning for the comfort of the arms of a safe person to hold us.  The lessons you have in store for us Ethan will be amazing.  The challenges for us to ask of ourselves will be rewarding as well as difficult at times.  You remind me that some lessons take years to come full circle and that sometimes only in the voice of a child does a lesson really hit home and resonate within our soul.