Just a little tenderness

I am so fucking tired of feeling helpless.  If this is what aging is about then I am so not happy about this.  Where is the wisdom?  Where is the avoidance of pitfalls?  Where is the peace?
I can tell you that my entire life all I have wanted was love and a home.  Unlike many people, home for me wasn't one place.  Home wasn't one steady stream of any one particular thing.  Unless you count the constant upheaval of my existence.  

Am I just recreating these patterns?  Being in fear....being in turmoil....being always short of everything.  I have to tell you that life still feels like one valley and a mountain and another valley and another mountain.  Am I learning anything?

I was so distraught last week at everything breaking down around me that I said to myself ..."If this were happening to someone else what would I tell them?"

I would say this:  Everything must break down in order for it to form in a better place.

I really believe that......I've seen it over and over....it's a process.  But when it is happening to me I only feel the fear.  I don't feel like I am connected to something that isn't going to drop me on my head.  I feel anxious and so non creative.

I keep getting this sense of things speeding up only to smash me down.  Where is my sanctity?

What have I passed onto my children?  Will they always be in flux or will they master the economics that will provide them with a structure, a root system, a haven from the storm?

I was so proud to not have spent my life in the madness that often visited my mother. I have been proud of my  ability to not be like my parents.  Yet this isn't enough.  Whatever I escaped by leaving their homes is still clinging to me.  This absurd struggle to just find a place to live is just futile.  I don't have the money to keep paying to have my credit run only to be told, hey your credit sucks.  I am not trying to buy a home, I have a job.  

So UNIVERSE  what the fuck?  

Do you live with this constant fear of never having enough?  Of sacrificing something to realize you still can't make ends meet?  The entire structure is madness when people can't be safe and healthy.  My job isn't paying for enough and I really have no other choices.  

I will trudge along pretending something will appear.  I do see the wearing away of my dignity with each year.  The eroding of my happiness and for what?  

My journey took me out of the madness and I thought it would all be so different.

I am alone and ill and poor and my strength isn't what it once was.  This is what happens to those of the working poor.  Little glimpses of heaven shine upon us like the rays of the sun through the clouds.  Yet it is so cold without enough.  

I consider myself lucky cause I am intelligent but it's gotten me to a place I have been before:  When I left  my mother in the Bronx, Far Rockaway for San Jose, California....when I left my aunt and uncle's home, when I left my husband, when I left my boyfriend, when I almost left my life.  

Over and over I set up my space.  With my plants(of course) with my music and my knicknacks, with my cooking, with my furniture, sometimes without any furniture.  I look back and I see it all so clear.  Full of optimism that it will all work out I would set forth to figure it out once again.  

You're saying to yourself that's life.  Well not everyone's life.  

Don't worry I'll go forward until I'm taken out of the game.  I am far to curious to remain this morose but it needs to come out somehow.  My body hurts and I scared.  I have to let it out or it will fester.  

Do I count my blessing?  Of course I do.  I can also tell you I have never been so alone in my entire life.  It's so hard to figure it out.  One foot in front of the other...yes I know.  

The garage wasn't converted with a permit.  The car broke down.  I have a ton of shit to complain about.  I often laugh to myself that I'm probably not putting enough good into the world and this is what is coming back to me.  I have to tell you that it used to be so much easier when I was younger and full of hope and promises.  

So 

I've had a good cry and you're an amazing listener.  I will find a new place to live and I'll do some overtime at work to pay back my cousin and her husband for lending me money to fix my car.  

I've done my best with what I know with what is in front of me at the time.  If it hasn't been enough or the wrong thing, I am sorry.  If I hurt people during my process again I am sorry.  If I leaned on you too much when I needed someone, yes you know it,  I am sorry.  

Let's be clear.  I don't need or want fancy.  I need a clean environment.  I need a place that is safe.  I can make the most out of many things.  You'd be amazed what I have made seem enough, even to myself.  Please please please I need a break.