Sometimes the only way to get past something is to go through it. I have been so depressed that I didn't even realize it was happening to me. Now that I have the epiphany of being depressed , I can't unseen it. In my youth I was overly positive. Always striving for the best outcome. Never really feeling overwhelmed by circumstances, people, or Life itself. Now I see that I just had a lot of distractions. The World itself was probably the biggest distraction of all. All those people to meet and experience. New jobs and adventures to have. Relationships to have for my very own.
Now I sit immobilized by grief and sadness and the weight of not being able to do anything about it. I used to be so positive and full of life. I really miss that version of Laura. I can barely recognize this version of myself. Of course the World isn't helping. All the great stories we told ourselves, all the veils that loosely shrouded the truth, all the assumed rights of citizens are being dashed and shredded.
I wonder if this is how my grandparents felt as they fled what they had Always known for a chance at something new and shiny. To cross an ocean for a chance to live and thrive in a new place. They left fear and hate for this land that was also filled with fear and hate but there were pockets of solace in their neighborhood. Living within tiny islands within the Bronx these havens were filled with familiar scents and sounds. The Kosher butcher and the bakery were there. You could hear many dialects but they were all familiar to their ears. Russian, Polish, and Hebrew ruled this neighborhood offering the people its sweetness and comfort.
People before me have lived through worse, I keep telling myself. This doesn't always help. I have so many thoughts in my head but there is no sound outside of myself. I have to remind myself that I have grown so quiet. I don't think my younger self would recognize this version of myself.
I have grown isolated and removed. I have crawled so far inside of myself so that there is no going back to who I once was. I trust myself but even that at times is tricky because I hear my sanity has taken a leave. It went on a vacation and refused to take me with it. My hands shake and tremble and I am pretty sure it's just nerves.
I do find solace in my plants. They are thriving. Lush and green these plants are not just surviving-they are thriving. I want to thrive but have no idea how to change any of this. People from the past have moved there permanently. They now only exist in my head because I have vowed to not reach out to them because they wouldn't serve the me that I have become.
This is not the life I once dreamed of having but yet I am having it because I still exist. All this alone time has often immobilized me. Depression isn't easy but hey someone has to do it, right? My life has ground to a practical standstill with no idea of it changing. Depression greets me first thing in the morning and is the last thing that puts me to bed at night. The cats are excellent companions. They are sweet and if it wasn't for them, I would have given up long ago. They make me laugh out loud but that laughter sounds strange to me.
Have I finally turned into my mother? She suffered from manic depression and went to extremes to try and get away from it. I hope not. I will keep trying because anything can change in a New York minute, right?
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