I have been thinking a lot about you lately. On your birthday I lit a candle for you. I have to tell you that I am tempted to pull out my trunk and find the letters you wrote to me so long ago. I was going to write this to you in the absolute middle of my grief about you but I waited because I wanted to write more than just what I was feeling at that second.
I remember in the beginning you were just my best friend's little brother. While we were talking about boys and losing our virginity ( her first) you were outside playing army in the bushes. I was an extended family member by the sheer amount of time I spent in your parents home. I was always hugging all of you totally ignoring how uncomfortable it made all everyone. Back then I just took what I needed and deposited a hug to balance it all out.
We went to your parents' cabin in Lake Tahoe. I remember the seance we did and how wide your eyes were across from my mine, your hand firm, my squeeze to reassure you so no one would know that you were scared. You weren't my friend then, we were still miles apart. You were still a little boy to me, someone that teased and got in the way.
After graduation I moved into your sister's room and we saw each other more often. I remember the day I got a letter from my father and I don't remember what twisted thing he wrote but I needed to process it with someone and your sister wasn't around. So I knocked on your door and dumped it on you, thrusting the letter into your hand to read. That, I think, was the beginning of our friendship. So funny how I thought all of your family was so perfect when you were actually more wounded than I was...but that was our secret later that you told me.
I remember sitting in your room ..........all those Pepsi cans from around the world on your wall.......listening to YES and Pink Floyd.....explaining things to your endless questions.....your mom making your dad come and knock on the door to probably make sure we weren't having sex. How we laughed, we were so much closer than that in thought and soul. You weren't mine to touch. You were my friend and I held that to such a higher regard.
You woke me up one night and told me to get dressed. We walked down the stairs and you knew where all the creaks would be, giggling like idiots till our stomach hurt once we got outside. Walking on a star filled cascading night stoned out of our minds talking always talking..........I thought i saw people up ahead of us and they disappeared.....totally freaked out ......it was August and the heavens were putting on a show .......your friends were who I saw and they had laid down on someone's lawn and we almost tripped over them. Laughter always more laughter........you always telling me to say something else that was profound.
I have pictures of you with your arm in a sling broken from your skateboard always with that 2 liter of Pepsi. You always had a twinkle in your eye when we looked at each other like we were always sharing a private joke....what was that? A perilous journey would throw you into a huge grin whenever I said it to you.....of course we didn't know how perilous it was to grow up and fall in love with the wrong people did we? Or to become the adults, the parents, the ones to respond.
I remember when every time your sister invited me to her house my ex boyfriend was always there and you bailed me out each time cause you understood how unfair it was to be manipulated by those you were supposed to trust....how when i arrived I really had no idea HE would be there.....You made so many things more bearable for me and whenever I tried to save you it was never enough.....my words would only sooth for a short time and then you would get sucked away from me again like our hands not able to stay clasped in a hurricane.
I remember when you meet Jennifer. You and Huff coming back from that moving job and your face all flushed cause the most beautiful girl you had ever seen talked to you and gave you her number right? Little did you know she had no soul.......she sucked the life out of you slowly like the way a snake digests it's meal. So excited were we all that you had finally met 'someone' that we didn't see the danger lurking in her dark soul-less eyes, how she drew you in to her sexual lair only to punish you for believing she was an answer to your prayers. I remember the Christmas Eve I showed up at your parents house unannounced and your mother throwing her arms around me hugging me tight and saying thank god you re hear please please talk to him........It is so very bad ...........and I was thinking how could I fix anything but she sent you outside to me and we walked in the cold San Jose night for hours and you told me how you wanted your wife to love you and need you .........you told me how mean she was......and I tried ot infuse you with the hope that if she s not the right one that there was someone that would come along that would love you and be proud to be your wife and you believed me but I still didn't know how bad it all was, did I. Yes, I knew about how much she hated our friendship.......how she broke the wedding gift I gave you both.....how she tortured you for coming to my wedding reception......how I believed your lie about her not feeling well enough to attend so I sent you home with champagne that she broke because it was from me. I knew about the phone calls she made to you at your job threatening to take your baby and never be seen again..........all the fights......how the abuse went on and on........but no one knew did they how you learned at a young age to take all of that abuse and blame yourself........how damaged you were through no fault of your own.
I remember driving up to Lake of the Pines to see you and your daughter finally telling you I was coming up there no matter what to check on you after your divorce. Walking in to the house and the living room being filled with your own warped structures of beer cans and Jack Daniels bottles......not just a few but the entire room screaming of your pain and inability to deal with anything....the kitchen filled to overflowing with garbage. Nothing made sense because I still didn't know everything did I but you trusted me enough to let me in.......so I promised you I wouldn't clean anything......I gave your daughter and mine a bath, a story and tucked them into bed, sitting with them until they fell asleep....coming into the living room to find you half drunk.......listening to you pour out your pain until you passed out......then cleaning........bagging up.......hefting out so many bags of cans and bottles it's a miracle you slept through it but I worked through the night so that when the girls woke up they danced like little fairy princesses in the clean house.....the look on your face when you awoke and saw I had dismantled your tribute to being broken and shattered........the conversation we had when the girls were playing in the bedroom and I told you this is no longer about you and YOUR pain ......how your daughter needs you.......how it is insane that you got full custody of her only to make her live in a place that she couldn't ever bring her friends........I pulled words out of the air twisting and weaving to try and make you see what had to be done when you re a parent no matter how much pain you're in.
I left you to go back to piecing together the life I had just broken and we drifted apart. I always thought you could deal with it.......that you would find love.......that you would heal and would stop.........Remember going up Almaden and drinking tequila and again all the laughter........when you finally told me how much you were in love with me........that I was stunned that the words came out of your mouth....and as much as I love you I couldn't be with you........you were my best friend and in so many ways that was better than all the complications.....
You didn't make it through and I miss you. I hate that we ll never sit down and laugh together about all those crazy times we had together....I miss how much you trusted me that you finally told me what broke you inside.......Sometimes I am back in your room in your parents house and we' re listening to music and I m telling you about the music and you are glowing brighter and brighter till I think I am going to go blind from the light that shined from with in you and your smile. I was not the one your mother should have protected you from because I would never cross a boundary that was so clear between us....
Forever you are in my heart whenever I get too complicated in my head I hear you telling me to say something intense again ..........I remember your friends taking us to Santa Cruz to spend the night and me still such the New Yorker not understanding how cold it was going to be there and not bringing a warm enough sweatshirt........how you elevated me in a place in front of your friends that I had some kind of magical knowledge to impart if only they would listen......
If I ever find your daughter I promise to tell her about you ......the you that I knew that she would have loved to have seen.......still so young and strong on your skateboard......forever sucking down that Pepsi waiting for the next adventure to show up.
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