GIVING AND GETTING

Every day for the past couple of weeks I have told myself,  "I need to write".  I didn't write anything and now I must tell you I feel a bit stiff and rusty.  So  I am going to delve into something and see just how it comes out, ok?

When I was younger I remember being connected, being accepted, being wanted, being in love.  It is a joyous,raucous, topsy-turvy place.  Sometimes like visiting the carnival, other times like being at an arcade, and other times still like being in a glorious fairy tale.....at least the good ones.  The bad ones ......well they start out ok....a glance, a word, an exchange, a spark , a friggin inferno...........and then bam you're off running on some runaway train to G-d only knows where. 

Some of us who were brought up mostly by ourselves, honed on the nectar of drama and peril  then in return found ourselves.....no please allow me to personalize this.....I found myself in relationships that often fell so far beneath my capabilities that I could wonder why on earth did I bother.  Well because a man wanted me......needed me....desired me and all else ...all common credible thought flew.......very quickly right out the window.  Of course while we're inside of it we tell......no I told myself that I could get out at any time, that I really was more deserving of a better relationship, that there is more to life than explaining myself over and over again to someone else......

After 2 major relationships and a hand full of minor ones and a few daliances (  wow I just said daliance)   I can see that I am even still at the mercy of my heart.  I am on the other side of quite a few disasters.  I have more than processed a devastating childhood.  I have banged my head against the wall in the hardest way possible being a single parent.  Through it all I can tell you that I fostered my inner Cinderella with books and movies.  Plots and stories of peril but eventually the soul-mate arrives with the balm of understanding ........the intensity of sexual desire and I might add always satisfaction......and the fucking happily ever after. 

So, I grew and matured.   I processed and threw out junk.  I went to therapy.  Hell I even went to school to become a counselor which did more to actually explain the fucked up behavior of my parents better than ANY THING OR ANYONE ELSE did before.  In the check list which I believe my soul has I crossed a few major things off as having done thoroughly and well.  Great........and now what?

We......mental smack here ....I am still at the mercy of being a chick, a female, a perpetual 12 yr old inside.....ready to giggle and feel the lust that licks the inside of my lower stomach.....the light headedness of attraction and desire.....the longing and insanity of discovery of another person and the ultimate prize.....satisfaction of being accepted.

Who is accepting me still?  I couldn't answer you that as I have not done anything about it in a long time.  I have heard men say that women rule the world because they have a vagina and that's ultimately what a man wants....but isn't there more?  If I have this prized commodity is it possible that I have devalued it's presence?  Oh the ironies of existence and perspective.

At some point in my questing for a partner I put something forth to myself.  If I couldn't readily understand what was happening between me and another person  then it wasn't going well.  If I found myself explaining why I did something over and over again....then it wasn't going well.  If I couldn't get what I need and wanted relatively easily then it wasn't going well.  It seems to be how it works out. 

There is a shared language.......an exchange that we do.......here is all the things that happened to me ......here are all the things that I did before I met you.......here are some of the things that hurt me........here are some of the things that I did to hurt someone else........here is the messiest part of me......here is me falling apart......here is me standing up for myself........here is me explaining why I feel this way.......here is me needing something from you but not knowing what it even is.

I feel guilty about a relationship before it even starts because I actually know that I an and will always be working at a deficit.  So..........

Instead of walking around trying to get this deep well of emotions that I have inside of me fulfilled by someone else I have tried for a very long time to do it myself.  Yes.......I have tried to do it on my own.  Feeling horny?  Don't complain....after all a self achieved climax works......ahhhh but for how long?  Feeling lonely?  Well there are a million distractions in the world...especially now with the internet.  When the day is over and the night gathers her dark gowns around the world and the stars accent her hair that is when I feel the most vulnerable and alone and having failed. 

I have convinced myself that no man could possibly love me and even more important that if he does he s not good for me by the sheer fact that he wants me.  You can sit there and tell me a million things about me that is of value to someone else but that is the deepest damage of all from having two parents that were hell bent on destroying themselves.  I really don't believe I deserve that kind of love and devotion that I am capable of giving to another person.  When it all comes down to it I really don't beleive anyone will come along and want me unconditionally.....just because it is me and I exist.  Intellectually I know this can't be true but emotionally that is the truth that I have worked under all my life.  This is the key that abandonment from the earliest moments of my life has left.  Deep down inside I feel I am Cinderella whose prince doesn't even exist. 

I never allowed myself to allow this to come to the surface before.  This truth stayed buried beneath all the hopes against hope that I was good enough for love and committment....after all I am not the type of woman that will smile to your face and sleep with your best friend.  That's not me.  I have waited my entire life to receive what I could give and exchange with someone else.  Deep meaningful existance....love and commitment...trust...honesty.  Look at the world we live in, hardly any of these things are honored at all much less held up to a higher place in everyone's life.

Don't dispare .......I am not giving up.  I am a hopeless romantic.  And even the strangest people find what they so deserve eventually.