Legacy

Libra Horoscope for week of June 24, 2010




What have you lost in recent months, Libra? This week begins a phase when you will have the potential to not exactly recover it, but rather to re-create it on a higher level. Maybe a dream that seemed to unravel was simply undergoing a reconfiguration, and now you're primed to give it a new and better form of expression. Maybe a relationship that went astray was merely dying so it could get resurrected, with more honesty and flexibility this time around.

On June 22 my son turned 16.  As I saw him go through his day sorting and shuffling through what it meant to him to be 16 I of course was thinking of something else. 

As many days as Dylan has in his life he will know some things about what brought him to this life and some events will remain forever in the backround.....to fade to a softness much like an old pair of jeans, well worn and a colour far beyond its original hue.

I know that when Dylan looks at me he sees his mom.  He sees me in all my strength as well as my weaknesses.  He sees me as someone that tells him stories about how wild my life was coming up in this world without all of the details.  I know that he worries about me and he wishes that someone had come into our life not just to love me but also to claim him as his own.  I know that for all the choices I made to keep us safe there were many mistakes I made. 

I know that all those years ago when I looked into his father's eyes and saw something shift firmer inside of himself that I was linked to that person.  I know that I was to have a child with him....it was just so powerful between us.  Ten years from when we met to the day his father died was all that man had left to live.  I knew that protecting my children is my job to do alone.  I long ago stopped crying in the middle of the night wishing someone stronger than myself would come along and shoulder some of the burden with me.

Some things aren't meant to be. 

Dylan has no idea how restless I was in my youth....how curious....how open and wild I really was.  He doesn't have to know.  In order to give him what he really needed to grow......security, consistancy, a foundation.....I needed to tether myself down and learn how to just be.  I couldn't and wouldn't take him through my romantic searches for ultimate love and satisfaction....that's not fair to him.  I refused to have him come second to my personal needs....after all, I saw first hand how that feels to always be secondary to an adult's driving force to feel important.

When Dylan speaks to me of events with an insight that is with the wisdom of a sage......I am moved by his existence.  Not because he is a product from me and his father but rather, because he exists and I am proud that he chose to have me as his mother.

He will stumble and fall, he will crack and mend, he will grow and falter....and his father opted for many different reasons to allow a disease to consume him and take him from us.  Every smile, every turn in the journey of Dylan's childhood, every sick night, every parent teacher conference, sleep over, crush, call from a teacher............all of it.....I responded to with all of my soul. 

I know there have been times when we didn't have enough to eat, or he needed new clothes, bike, books, etc...but I've done the best I could do with less insight about how families are supposed to work and more insight as to what is really important to the development of a human being.  All creature comforts are window dressings and I wouldn't deny him any of them but without the love and support and belief in who you are from at least one person is priceless.

I am not saying "oh look at me and what i sacrificed for my son". NO!!!!!!!  I am saying look at what I helped bring into the world and how lucky am I to have experienced this?

What a gift children are.  Their souls trusted to us to keep them safe and help them discover what path they may choose to be on.  How lucky I am to be in the company of the bright lights that are my daughter and my son. 

Every time I was alone as a child.....lost and abandonded.....afraid and neglected......ignored and forgotten.....pushed aside and discounted  was all worth it so that I could always remember to tell my children how important they are to me, how much they matter, how proud I am of them no matter what. 

Funny to think that my legacy to them both isn't about money or priceless heirlooms but strength and music......love and searching....seeing inside and processing and assessing everything. 

" I looked at you
You looked at me
I smiled at you
you smiled at me

And we're on our way
No we can't look back, babe
Yeah we're on our way
And we can't turn back"