The Truth Is

When I was younger I was highly motivated by a very just cause: the Truth. It seems that I was always surrounded with the spinning altered reality of my young life, influenced by insane acts and desperate moves. I became aware at a very early age of the importance of what I was often told and the Truth. They rarely met up correctly and so I built a defense system structured to help me deal with the gap.



Lately no matter where I go back to, the story reads worse and worse. My story, my childhood, and eventually my choices. I write this today to flesh out the weirdness of it all still, again, and to spin it around and around, wondering will it ever sit comfortably.



What happens when your tormenter is old and frail and can no longer care for herself? What happens when I just want the Truth? What happens when every time I meet a new person and retell the tales of experience, it gets 'curiouser and curiouser' ?



The Truth is that I was abandonded long ago, left to my own choices, devices, and experiences. I didn't know about damage, dysfunction, co-dependence. Those words become the files for the experiences after the fact. All those a ha moments. The Truth is that I was born into a place of neither priveldge or beauty but rather of experience. If there is a legacy to me, it is of perspective and endurance.



The Truth is I never knew how alone I was, how frightened I should be, or how angry I could have been at what didn't take place in spite of what did. The Truth is that when you're a child of the World and not of your parents you gleen love out of the tiniest places, you believe the most charismatic people, you experience high highs and low lows of friendships and predators sometimes one and the same. The Truth is that I was old before I could learn how to be free, that I could 'see' more than most, that a time of innnocence for me meant finding shelter, hanging my crystals in the window, and cooking a great meal, and being held at night by someone that I loved.



The Truth is that while many people are not betrayed by their parents, I was. The Truth is that while people grow up slowly and progressively with encouragement, I was left to grasp at what felt right in a narrow place of strangers. The Truth is that no matter what I achieve, who I become, and what impact I have on the World, I come from a very fractured place.



The Truth is that I wasn't created in broken pieces. I have a strong soul, a keen survivor's sense and a deep need to make things right. The Truth is that I have mostly always felt alone and didn't know how much I wouldn't fit in, how difficult relationships would become, and how deep my needs are.



The Truth is that I am doing the best I can, that I believe in love, and want my children to understand why I came to do some of things that I did.



The Truth is that no matter how I present myself, my children know more of me than even I know about for they know me from the inside out. I hope to process some tales and connect more dots for myself as well as others. The Truth is that my journey, process, experiences can provide a purpose for others to see, and learn, and feel.